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| Canberra, or Place of Meat as the aboriginals called it before they got shot, was established in 1901. The site was chosen due to it's being so far inland that invading ships would be fucked if they tried to sail up to it. Unfortunately they built Sydney on the coast anyway so that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it, because loads of people live there. As a result the world think Sydney is the capital of Australia, when it's not. It's only the capital of New South Wales! Canberra is the capital of the whole entire coutry. This is no doubt a constant source of extreme shame to every person who doesn't live in Canberra. Construction of Canberra, began in 1913 and they are still building new buildings. You'd think they'd have finished by now but it seems we need more fucking shops. |
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| Parliament House is often used as an iconic image in articles about Canberra. | ||
It is ironic, that the center of Canberra is a big prick, with a flag on the end, for Canberra is the nations unofficial 'sex capital'.
I wonder what the founder of our capital city, Sir Henry Capital would have thought had he known that Canberra was going to be
a city littered with porn shops, adult stores, and retalilers of fine erotica for discerning adults. Not to mention a wide selection
of prostitutes!
It is also ironic that the city's tallest erection is only 22 stories tall. Actually, the telecom tower might be taller. Only that's only got two stories. But it does look pretty stupid.
Fans of high frequency rhythmic pulses will enjoy Canberra's vibrant city centre, otherwise known as Civic. This palindrome is fitting because Civic really is si yllear civiC.
Apart from a conveniently placed electro-toilet, this 7X7 metre mecca of culture boasts a sort of fountain, which adult and child alike can sit near,
a merry-go-round that goes round and round and round like nobody's business, a wipeable chrome cushion designed to not soak up junkie bum-germs, and this thing that when you walk past it,
amusing voices used to cry out and scare you before the batteries died. If you had have visited a few years ago you would have been able to enjoy this massive cube that lights up when you
clap but now there's a monument to Cybertron.
If you'd like to soak up some art, then go to the art gallery. Or just go on the internet.
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| Canberra has many restaraunts where you can smile at nobody, to the right of the camera. |
Fans of sitting around having coffee and talking loudly instead of actually doing fun things will simply adoooore the Manuka circuit. Snuggled between a few other suburbs, Manuka is the perfect place to pretend you're cultured and not Canberran. Here you can buy coffee, served in cups, which you can sit and yes, drink. Despite having your coffee served in under thirty minutes, and the obvious lack of lesbian art on the walls, you could almost imagine you were in Melbourne sitting in some dingy dive on a grimy street corner, while smug jazzy lounge shit plays on a CD.
Manuka also boasts many outdoor cafes with a sophisticated decor and exotic menus. Basically they use square plates, tiny servings and use rocket instead of lettuce. There used to be a great place called El Ranchos where they had a bar and they did these massive thick-ass burritos or steaks or whatever....and a smoking section! But it closed because they never sprinkled supid garnishy shit on their square plates like big homos.
Everyone in Canberra seriously wear polo shirts with messy scribble on them (sometimes they're pink), sandals, and faux hawks (sometimes with bleached tips).
The women wear enormous square sunglasses, straight hair in weird layers that look mullety and belts with studs all on them. This is pretty much all you can
buy in the clothes shops. If you don't want to wear these clothes, and have an enormous man-arse, try decking yourself in bike gear and go huffing and puffing around
the place on a bike like a freak. Bearded men are allowed to ride in special 'beard bikes' which are low and need flags so they don't get run over by proper bikes.
Backpackers from the far corners of the globe can always be spotted in Canberra, often sporting backpacks and a sort of annoyed "Is this it?" look.
This is natural because Canberra is confusing, what with it's lack of unrine soaked doorways, three lane freeways that never shut the hell up,
and gargantuan advertising billboards. To add to the confusion, there are thousands of strange organic creatures with brown trunks with arms and green bits all over them.
Also, there aren't many people.
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| Sir Shane Gary Kambah was known for screaming out the window of his barouche. |
While 50% of Canberra's surface area is wood, leaves and pornography, the other 50% is taken up by the suburb of Kambah. Named after Sir Shane Gary "Got A Durry?" Kambah, this suburb was intended to be a haven for the less washed, and the drivers of panel vans. The residents of Kambah have their own dialect, recognisable by the characteristic word fuggen. ie: Fuggen' got smashed last night, eh. The I fuggen drove 'ome. And I was fuggen' bent too, eh. HUR HUR HUR!
The cultural influence of Kambah is so great that even the adjoining suburbs show signs of 'boon humour'. Wanniassa's expensive slimy chicken shop, 'Red Rooster' has suffered great financial losses as the destruction of the neon 'S''s by booners costs the company an average $1,400,000 a week.Sadly, boon culture is dying out thanks to American influence. Aussie pub rock and metal has been replaced with pussy dance music and gangasta rap. The mullet has been replaced with elaborately shaven rats tails and patterns. Baggy tracksuits have replaced black jeans and flannies. But underneath the surface, the youth of Kambah are still of the same stock, and the fire in their eyes is still in no danger of being lit any time soon.
We have so many politicians here! You wouldn't believe it. You can't move for them!
We have ministers and prime ministers and treasurers and too many other kinds to mention!
They all work in the Parliament House. Seriously, if it's politicians you want, come here
because seriously, there's a fucking shitload!!!
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| An office block. Or the School of Music, or it could be the High Court. |
According to the 2001 census, we are way smarter and richer than the rest of the country. Suck on that shit, you can't argue with figures.
Go on, try! Can't do it? Doesn't surprise me: You're not from Canberra. See, most of us run the country so it's only natural you'd need a special breed, a more-than-slightly cut above the rest of the plebs breed.
It's natural selection. A group of cities need a leader, and city groups in the wild that have no leader to look up to, wither and die.
But you probably don't believe in natural selection, do you? How often do you see plastic surgery in Sydney? Often, if you go to the rich areas.
How often do you see it in Canberra? Never, because we don't need it. I saw some amazing fake tits the other day come to think of it. She had brown skin though
so she's probably from Brisbane. (Where the people who support Pauline Hanson are from). QED.
