I'm No Alien to Love (Makin')
By Sarah Hutchings.
Richard's generous coiffure flew out behind him as he raced down the stairs on his boogie board. When he reached the end of the staircase, he bashed into the mattress he had placed against the wall and then, rosy cheeked and bright-eyed, he ran back up the stairs and did it all again.
Bon Jovi, the butler, was in the lounge room, dusting a copy of Playboy magazine and tut-tutting disgustedly at the degrading depictions of the female body. After a while he found he had to go and stand in front of the open refridgerator in order to return the smooth line that a butler must always display in his dress. Through the open door, he noticed the mattress against the wall.
"That half-witted twat must have left it there to dry out after he watched that 'Open Up and Say Aah' video last night" he thought and picked it up to return it to Marxie's bedroom.
Now, a great philosopher once said "I don't care too much for money, 'cause money can't buy me love". Although this bard later proclaimed "I am the walrus, coo-coo-coo-choo" the first statement has not lost it's meaning. It must naturally follow that money does buy you pain, and this was now proven by our star.
As Bon Jovi climbed the wide roadie-skin staircase, Richard flew past his vision so rapidly that all Jovi saw was two wide open blue eyes followed by what appeared to Jovi in his shock and love of westerns as a dust cloud, but was in fact Marxie's hair. He could not help but feel a thrill of pleasure as he heard the crash and then the soulful wailing.
"I think my lips are broken!" screamed Richard in his hysteria, then passed out. Jovi ran to his master's side. Richard's lips were still intact, as pink and shiny as ever. A trickle of blood ran from a small cut on his head and he blew spit bubbles with every breath.
"This is serious." the butler said. "He obviously has a fever." he added maliciously, knowing - as Little Women was one of his favourite books - that the only cure for such an ailment was the removal of the patient's hair. He took to Richard with a pair of nail scissors.
"Hmmm....his legs might be broken, we'll have to remove these boots" he then said and hacked off Richard's beloved Elvis boots that he had purchased on a pilgrimage to Gracelands.
He slung the still unconscious Richard over his shoulder and carried him up to the rock n' roller's bedroom, slinging him casually onto the record shaped bed. As a final punishment, he slipped a copy of 'The Sound of Music' into the tape deck, little knowing that this was secretly one of Richard's favourites, especially the line 'raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens' which made Richard feel all snuggly and warm inside.
When Richard awoke he thought he must be having a nightmare. He felt a draught on his neck and ears, and gingerly felt his head.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, clenching his fists. "NOOOOOOO!" he repeated for good measure. He leapt to the mirror and begged it to tell him that it wasn't so. He quickly grabbed the phone and rang Who magazine. After repeating his name a few times and singing an exerpt from a song about a youth who couldn't seem to do anything right and so had to take refuge in his music, at which he eventually triumphed, but, hating the artificial and plastic world of fame, returned to his home town to marry the only girl he ever loved, unfortunately finding that she had been killed by her jealous boyfriend who drank too much and worked on the railroads. He explained to them that aliens had come in the night and taken his hair to do testing on.
The Who people arrived at his house and took a few snaps. After talking to him for a while they left, assuring him that they would do all they could to uncover the evil alien plot and foil those super-intelligent beings with all their fancy-schmancy highly advanced technology. When Bon asked him what was going on, he simply smiled a 'wouldn't you like to know' smile and winked at the journalist. The story was eventually published under the title "Has-been Rock Star - Totally Bonkers!" Their angle may have had some substance, as Richard was very proud of the article and vowed to devote his life to helping Scully and Mulder protect the earth from potential invaders.
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